I am the unwanted, the unneeded, the unloved, and the forgotten. I was left behind by those that once cared, once loved, and once needed. I gave to them what I had to give and now I have nothing left. Nothing anyone wants, nothing any one needs. I have understood my role in life a long time ago. I only wish that I had reconciled with it when I was younger. It would be much easier to live with it now if only I had started then. I had my clues I suppose. After high school the dating pool for me became nonexistent. Those that I was interested in were, well no where that I knew of. Sure I had one or two failed relationships but nothing that took hold or was even more passionate than a warm shower. It’s a little pathetic when you go to pick up your date and you find her jumping in her car and racing off … to another date. I should have known then that I was never to have a relationship that lasted forever. I was naive enough to think that it was the girl, who’d have thought I was that repulsive. Is it any wonder that I learned to have a stone heart or that I built a concrete box to lock it up in. It wasn’t long before I shut myself off to even the idea of having a relationship. It was easier and less stressful at the same time. As the years passed I learned how to joke my way through life and not even make myself think about being alone. It wasn’t long before sarcasm began taking over my speech. Oh, it’s not the first time that it had found its way into my everyday life. No that had happened long ago and in a land not so far away. It wasn’t until I moved out west that I actually began thinking that I might just have a chance at some semblance of a relationship. It seemed to be a good thing finally, I thought, I wouldn’t have to be the odd one out. There was a chance I might not have to be the one that ends up alone. There I found people that were more open and willing to listen to and consider someone like me. I have fond memories of some of those wonderful people. Especially those that saw that I was worth something no matter the fact I had little or no money in my pocket. They didn’t see what I had they saw what I was. I had little idea that there were such people in the world. Don’t get me wrong while living in my home town there were some people that didn’t worry too much about what I had, but they mostly saw me as a way to a means. Did I receive deep feelings from them? Not so much. Was it my fault for not showing deeper feelings than I had? It could be I suppose. But how do you show someone a feeling that they don’t show you? Throughout those times I often began to wonder if I even knew what it felt like to have those feelings. I will also admit to have a few crushes, as they say. Of course none of them were reciprocated, that I know of anyway. One even “fell” for a good friend of mine and shortly, at least it seemed shortly, after the one disappeared only to return some years later married. Not that I was sure that they were the one and only, no I am pretty sure now that I let that one go long before that time. But that was high school, and the last thing you think of in high school is your future. Not the future of your heart anyway, perhaps in your senior year but not before then if at all. Now where was I? Oh yeah, in the west. Like I began earlier, it was there that I found some that I could open myself up to that did not reject me. Sure like all in lives there was rejection but at least in the west there was some semblance of acceptance. More acceptance of who I am of what I am, even if I had no real idea myself. I was happy with my life. Sure I lived without for a while until someone gave me a chance. Of course I lived paycheck to paycheck scrimped saved won and lost. In the west they didn’t care what happened in my past. Hell none of them asked. I got to prove myself to myself again and that was something that I never forgot. Now with all of that behind me I have learned that I know that I can do the things that I always knew I could. Sorry once again I am getting off track and rambling, I hope that you will forgive me for that . That is if you are still reading after all this.
Sure you may say we don’t know what will happen to us in our life and what our destiny is, but it gives us hints along the way. If you pay attention to them you are quick to learn what destiny is telling you. If you listen to the whispers around you it is easy to find yourself deep inside some hole looking in deeper. No matter what the signs are you never really see them until it is too late. By that time you are involved, you’re on the hook, and then it’s all you can do to hang on. It’s not until the ride is over that you realize that you’ve just been had. I for one have been through each of those steps too many times. Is it any wonder that today I sit or lay here and type on this computer more than I am in the outside world?
I think not. For I am the unwanted, the unneeded, the unloved, and forgotten. I was left behind by those that I once cared for, once loved, and once needed. I gave to them what I had to give and now I have nothing left. Nothing anyone wants, nothing any one needs.
From The Strange Mind of Me 